After weeks of giddy anticipation, cardboard scrounging, Flying Dog beer case rebuilding, hot glue burns, and the kind of engineering that would make your shop teacher shudder, 10 cardboard contraptions stumbled forth from the Artomatic 500 Pit to the cheers of almost 100 quizzical but enthusiastic onlookers.
The race course, defined by a plethora of said beer cases, was arranged down the Half Street side sidewalk adjacent to Artomatic's Electric Stage with its busy Pit Area. Shortened after 2008's course length seemed too much for the artists' staminas, the 500 this year was to consist of five approximately 200' laps, preceded by a pace lap. Several last-minute arrivals crowded the field, so the course was a bit of a squeeze. Race organizers indicated that lanes might be widened next year.
Race Director Sal Ferro, having spent so many hours hunched over slicing and dicing cardboard contraptions that he nearly reached undead level, led the parade/pace lap in his blood and mud-spattered Coffin Coupe, looking eerliy similar to a certain Zombie Promgoer from the previous Sunday. Arto-Carl Cordell was right behind in his slightly-less-sinister Hot Rod Roadster, replete with realistic exposed V-8. Representing the 9th floor, another familiar vehicle -- the Arto Retro -- with "sponsor decals" from those displaying on 9 was piloted by the always-smiling Jeanan Oxley with the same vigor she has displayed as Uber-Gallery Manager. The diminutive Izzy Page (Banks) was right on her tail in the Hope and Change mobile -- foreshadowing great things to come. For the historical design buffs, mobile-maker Paul Sikora rolled out in his shiny silver replica of Buckminster Fuller's 3-wheeled Dymaxion Car -- adding the tail fin Bucky had originally intended. This year's "bar car" was to be piloted by the gregarious Sherill Gross, but when her train was delayed, a mystery Racer X stepped forward from the crowd to bravely take her place and schlep around the Flying Dog flying dog. Who was that straw-hatted man? The shiny black and chrome Arto Limo with its optical illusion spinner wheels (surely intended to confuse other drivers), was chauffered by June Wagner. Then the pretty in pink ship "Lia Marie" steamed forward, piloted by brave and sure Skipper Lia Marie Ferro. The mysteriously-masked tandem "Team 24K" floated out next, buoyed by a bountiful bouquet of balloons, pinwheels and feathers, confounding the crowd with its roof-mounted wheels. Then the tantalizing twosome of Mustache Ride burst forth, each wearing little but sunglasses and big, hairy halves of handlebar 'staches. Wooo! Somehow finding strength after weeks of near non-stop Artomatic accoutrement assembling, Brian Murphy stepped in at the last minute to command ArtAttack -- a very artfully camouflaged tank which took design cues from the Artomatic oval, suggesting that design czar Ferro had a hand in this contraption too.
Having been drafted from the crowd as race officials, several brown-bag-vested volunteers took their places, and head official (not just because of his British accent) John Page fired the starter ray gun to kick the race -- literally -- into gear.
The Coffin Coupe, embodying evil in every way, sprouted scary bat wings and immediately began trading paint with the Cordell Roadster, but was so busy doing so, failed to see the optimistic Hope and Change mobile as it snuck by, taking the lead in the polls and race. It all became a blur, but witnesses describe the mustachioed mujers skirting past the 24K girls, and the ArtAttack barreling beyond them. Lia Marie -- defying all odds according to her dad -- stayed right in it, pulling ahead of the flap-jawed Flying Dogmobile and the ArtoLimo, Within moments, it was pure pandemonium as Cordell -- with Ferro's help -- crashed into the course wall and went down hard as the race slowed under a pretend caution flag.
Cordell recovered quickly, but Hope and Change hopped and charged ahead, lengthening her lead. The Coffin Coupe began to disintegrate as if in response to Ferro's dastardly deeds, but he continued to play dirty nonetheless, nearly running down several crowd members as he veered onto Half Street. Hope and Change was now being prevented from moving further ahead by the 24K kar -- leaving lots of room for symbolic connotations -- but nonetheless pressed on as the Coffin Coupe cut through the infield in an unsportsmanlike and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to usurp the race as Hope and Change beat him to the finish line, proving that good can indeed triumph over evil and/or gold.
The Coffin Coupe collapsed in cartoonish fashion as Cordell roared in third despite arriving behind the lap-behind Golden Girls, followed (we think) by the good ship Lia Marie, Sikora's Dymaxion, and some combination of the rest since the writer wasn't paying attention. There was some aknowledgement of the chronological finish as the race officials diligently deliberated on awards inside. Soon they ushered forth carrying the stunning cardboard trophies to proclaim the true winners to the anxious crowd.
Kookiest Cardboard Contraption went to the Coffin Coupe (to jeers from the audience); Cleverest Cardboard Contraption went to the incognito Mustache Ride duet; Cutest (of course) went to Lia Marie; Coolest was awarded to the Retro#9 (and by extension -- the 9th floor. Take that you other floors!); Colorfulest went to the 24K Team of Kitty Hayes and daughter Elizabeth Dale Deines; and by virtue of her speed, agility, and dogged determination, Hope and Change took home the Quickest Cardboard Contraption trophy.
All in all a wacky recycled cardboard race indeed, with a much bigger turnout in crowd and contraptions than 2008. The contraptions are on display on the 5th floor adjacent to the store.
We hope to see all -- and more -- back again next year!
A big thanks goes out to all who helped and participated, particularly First floor bar volunteers (can't remember your names, sorry) who built the trophies and Sal Ferro's parents and family who were key to the success of the event. And a thankful shout-out to Artomatic sound empresario Mac Traore -- and particularly his deputy BJ who called the race once again with TV-announcer aplomb!
In the spirit of art cars and kinetic sculpture races, Artomatic is once again planning its own take on the classic car race with the Artomatic 500 Cardboard Creation Competition.
All Artomatic participants are invited to create a cardboard "vehicle" which could be two dimensional, three dimensional -- even four dimensional if you can make it happen -- as long as it it entirely powered by a walking or running human and is decorated by the driver and his or her team. Cars should be primarily made of cardboard.
Cardboard is available in the "Pit" area in the Electric Stage room at Artomatic, but scrounging for refrigerator boxes will put you ahead of the game. All locomotion must be provided by one or more humanoid drivers. No engine or propulsion system of any sort is allowed. Wheels are optional. In fact, they are discouraged.
Winners will be determined by a judging team using points based on some combination of garishness and ingenuity to be determined on the spot. Some points may be awarded for finishing first or just completion of the race at all. Or not.
Create, compete, volunteer to officiate -- or just come and watch!
